Courtship Didn't Work For Me, A Straw Man Has Been Thoroughly Hung and Other Sundries

“Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.  Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.   For if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself.  But let each one test his own work, and then his reason to boast will be in himself alone and not in his neighbor. For each will have to bear his own load. Let the one who is taught the word share all good things with the one who teaches.

“Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life.  And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.” - Galatians 6:1-9

Courtship didn’t work for me.  Based on what I read these days, I still can’t decide if we ever actually engaged in that particular activity...but in any case, it didn’t work.  To be clear, in saying so, I do not intend to communicate in the spirit of a rebel or a legalist.

My family and I always thought we would “court” to get to Christian marriage because we perceived the concept to encompass many sound biblical principles. We found over time how nebulous the convention was to many and how obsolete the term had become, having been applied to such a number of widely varying philosophies.  Because we didn’t find ourselves quite up to snuff in practice or original enough to come up with a good plan on our own we decided to  “be creative” and check the word of God for the principles that could help us in a philosophy of marriage.  We called what we determined as an approach to getting married in a God-glorifying manner “courtship” at times and an “exploration process” at others for the sake of simplicity...and found to our chagrin how little simplicity those terms actually afforded us.

I recently read this article: Why Courtship is Fundamentally Flawed together with my family and I was disappointed and disturbed to say the least.  Not because I don’t agree with most of what the author said.  It is in fact irrelevant whether I agree with him or not.  I was troubled, rather by the nature of its attitude in the light of its ready audience...my peers.  The following is my humble rebuttal.  I write it in the knowledge that it will step on toes.  I can’t apologize for the truth since it does not belong to me, but I submit myself to the righteous Judge of all things to condemn my error.

Regardless of the degree to which our family actually fit the mold of what common consensus calls courtship, we were often classed among the courting “breed”. For a culture that takes pride in being tolerant, I’m convinced I could surprise many with the judgmental, pre-conceived notions that were applied to us by default when people looked in from the outside on our family.  I supposed we gave them some reason to wonder at us.  After all...I was never pursued by a man for fun, romance, or anything else until I was nearly 25 years old.  At that point in my life, my family didn’t socialize in a community with young people my age and I didn’t even know of anyone eligible who lived within two days drive of our farm.

It seems I had God by the tail...outsmarted and thwarted were any of his plans for my life or my marriage.  All because I chose not to date.  Don’t get me wrong.  I wanted to get married...oh yes.  I prayed about it...I even wept about it.  But it seems God withheld my heart’s desire from me...in any case I “missed out” on marriage along with all the fun, happiness and casual all-American relationships that my peers had because I was stubborn.

Our family was stubborn and I chief among them as they will tell you.  Characteristically determined-and-resilient stubborn or just downright-dig-my-heels-in-and-won’t-budge stubborn.  We stubbornly decided to give God the power to arrange my marital fate.  Stubbornly I placed myself under my parents jurisdictional authority and stubbornly I prayed for a spouse in the Lord’s timing.  I admitted that God didn’t owe me anything...not happiness or fun or comfort or social success or friends or a spouse or children.  I submitted myself to him knowing that no matter what I chose to do or which methods or rules or formulas I applied to my life, he was still sovereign and had the power to give or take away as he saw fit.  Job understood this and it should be our attitude as well:

“Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head and fell on the ground and worshiped. And he said, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.”In all this Job did not sin or charge God with wrong.” - Job 1:20-22

Just as my family suspected, courtship did not provide me with anything...because it didn’t owe me anything, nor was it meant to get me anything...any more than dating was.  The dirty little secret about both of those ideologies is… they don’t work!  Neither will make you happy, fulfill your dreams, make you comfortable, win you everyone’s approval or get you a perfectly suitable spouse who is guaranteed not to fail you, hurt you or divorce you!

Entitlement is a deadly sin that does not become the Christian.  My whole generation and I are beset by this ill which threatens to violently and permanently blind us.  When the Proverbs of Solomon talk about ravens plucking out eyes, these are the object of his warning:

“There are those who curse their fathers and do not bless their mothers.“There are those who are clean in their own eyes but are not washed of their filth.“There are those—how lofty are their eyes,how high their eyelids lift!” - Proverbs 30:11-13

Don’t listen, gentle reader, when the wisdom of men tells you that you have been cheated all along...that one method or another with a little list of rules on one side or a little list of liberties on the other will waft you right to the altar with a light heart.  The man who encourages a patronizing, barely tolerant or judgmental attitude towards parents has forgotten the admonition to obey parents in the Lord. Honoring parents was not a suggestion...it was a command by Almighty God. When he gave it he identified himself as "the Lord your God." The truth is, we can insert a method, a person or a circumstance and say it failed us, but all are beholden for their effect to the will of God...and God never owed you anything...and you owe him everything.

For if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself. - Galatians 6:3

I did the research.  It didn’t take long.  The thing(s) we call courtship are nowhere in scripture.  Neither is dating.  So like the toothbrush you scrubbed your pearly-whites with this morning and the fork you will use to imbibe comestibles at dinner, the “hello and how are you” employed to greet your neighbor and the blinker on your vehicle to note a courteous lane-change, neither convention for approaching marriage can be rubber-stamp guaranteed.  They don’t have to be and they don’t have to “work”.  I might add that in one sense, many of us should wonder why they are even worth arguing about.

The author of the above article claims to want a few things...and “freedom” was one of them.  “...the glory days when men were free” and “could fall in love and pick their own spouses.”

It is, I admit appealing to a part of me...it feels good to let the imagination run in a world where I get to choose what I like best, free from the extra effort, the debate, the responsibility.  Scripture calls that part of me my flesh.  Have we forgotten that the only freedom that is real exists in Christ?  There is nothing freeing about being bound to our own selfish desires or imprisoned in the narrow confines of human wisdom and our wicked wills.  The gospel freed us from that.  It is incumbent upon us not to bind ourselves again.

Excuse me for wondering why facts like: men sin, methods fail, the wicked appear to advance, the high road is narrow and good marriages are few mean that we can check principles at the door.  Do we really imagine God will give us a pass on not thinking and working because we didn’t get the results we wanted?

But let each one test his own work, and then his reason to boast will be in himself alone and not in his neighbor. For each will have to bear his own load.Galatians 6:4-5

The truth is, our method does matter.  Scripture is clear on that one.  Our faith must necessarily produce works or it isn’t real faith at all.  The Christian young person has nothing to appeal to but the word of God for a defense for his practice.  In fact, he has less excuse than anyone else if he doesn’t do so.  These are our marching orders:

“Have nothing to do with irreverent, silly myths. Rather train yourself for godliness; for while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come. The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance. For to this end we toil and strive, because we have our hope set on the living God, who is the Savior of all people, especially of those who believe.Command and teach these things. Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity.” - 1 Timothy 4:7-12

The Christian young person is a soldier, armed with the Word of God, indwelled by the living Spirit of God and charged with the conquest of Christ’s kingdom on earth.  His actions are not neutral, his principles must be sound.  His testimony and reputation, life and practice, time and talents don’t belong to him.  Christian young people, where God is sovereign there is no room for debate.  You don’t have time to have fun, or pursue your own happiness or take the easy road or build your own castle...you don’t own any time at all.  When God claimed ownership over all things and declared you shall not steal, he established his right to order your life after his will.

And then what did we expect? That being a Christian would make a great marriage drop in our laps?  That enjoying the ride or having fun or taking it easy would wipe away the weight of our responsibility to obey the God of the universe?  That believing rightly and obeying rightly and living cleanly would make us perfectly suited to marry someone?  That if we laughed away our convictions or cried away our courage the battle would disappear?  The easing of our  consciences and the perpetuating of our traditions and self-satisfaction can have no place in the Kingdom.  God forbid that it be so!

Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. - Galatians 6:7-9

Let us not be oppressed or downtrodden but rather take courage from the gospel and gird ourselves in the knowledge that the results are not up to us.  We don’t have to appeal to our perfect marriages for proof that we have done right.  God is the verifier of a heart that is right before him, zealous to do his will, and hands that work faithfully to build his kingdom.  We are no longer bound to the futility of our own works...we are freed to the works prepared for us before the foundation of the world by the Creator of the universe.  We need no longer dwell in the shadowlands.  Merit is not met when we meet the handsome Christian guy of our dreams, but is rather inescapably linked to the victorious kingdom of Christ.

“Courtship” didn’t work for me.  It never could have produced anything in and of itself.  I recently promised to marry a sinful man who is going to fail me.  In a few short weeks, God willing, I will be an unsuitable and sinful wife.  God is still working his sovereign will in the lives of men, both obedient and disobedient.  Praise be to his name that he is not thwarted, outsmarted or surprised by the fact that we will be covenanting before him in a faith not our own to do works together not our own for a kingdom not made with our hands.

For we know that if the tent that is our earthly home is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. For in this tent we groan, longing to put on our heavenly dwelling, if indeed by putting it on we may not be found naked. For while we are still in this tent, we groan, being burdened—not that we would be unclothed, but that we would be further clothed, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who has given us the Spirit as a guarantee.So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight. Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to please him. For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may receive what is due for what he has done in the body, whether good or evil. - 2 Corinthians 5:1-10

A Burma Expedition, Missionaries, and Elephants...

Our house is full of talk and planning for an exciting new opportunity our brothers have to work for Christ’s kingdom!  We are all up to our ears in books about Burma and Buddhism and elephants and the transformation of culture through the gospel.  The following is a letter Charlie and Ben are sharing with friends and family about their mission:

Charlie and I (Benjamin) trust this finds you well.  We want to let you know about an exciting opportunity we have this summer.  Last July, we attended a Hazardous Journey Boot camp in the mountains of Colorado, training for strenuous and enterprising expeditions to advance the gospel.

This year, the Hazardous Journeys Society is launching a ten-year mission, sending teams of men to each of the 190+ countries in the world in order to proclaim the glory of God through exploration and discovery. Our team leader, Kurtis Amundson, has been commissioned by the Hazardous Journeys Society to undertake an expedition to Burma this July.

For centuries, the orient has been a place of fascination for Christian explorers, adventurers, and missionaries.  In 1277, as an emissary to the Yuan Dynasty, the Christian explorer Marco Polo traveled to the kingdom of Mien—what today is Burma, or Myanmar. He described its capitol as a “gilded city alive with tinkling bells and the swishing sounds of monks’ robes.” The 19th Century saw British rule in the orient expand westward from India making formerly unnavigable foreign lands available as mission fields for Christian evangelism. In this newly discovered land,  Adoniram Judson arrived on July 13, 1813, and was ‘devoted for life’ to the spreading of the Gospel.

As our team returns to Burma on the 200th anniversary of Judson’s arrival, we will examine the legacy of exploration and evangelism in this land by focusing on his ministry, influence, and the impact of the gospel on the Burmese culture.  We hope to inspire others by reviving Judson’s legacy and proclaiming the culture-transforming power of the gospel.

In addition to chronicling the Christian influence in Burma, we want to present a proper and Biblical understanding of Buddhism.  Buddhism is practiced by 89% of the Burmese population. Burma is a nation steeped in idolatry. With thousands of pagodas, stupas, and statues scattered over the landscape, the nation is recognized as the most religious Buddhist country in the world in terms of the proportion of monks in the population and proportion of income spent on religion. Our team will seek to examine the comprehensive effect that Buddhism has on the Burmese culture, investigating how every realm of influence—familial, ecclesiastical, civil, and personal—is affected by their pagan and idolatrous worldview.

As a team, we will live in simple bamboo houses, and travel to the ruins of the ancient capital city of Bagan. We will travel throughout Burma and step foot into the Buddhist culture, learning first-hand the influences of the Buddhist religion on every sphere of life. We will listen to the monks speak of the Buddhist culture, see the Buddhist marble bible, and visit the garishly exorbitant Schwadegon Pagoda.  We will speak with the great-grandchildren of men and women who witnessed the transforming power of the gospel in the nation and we will interview local church leaders, some of them former Buddhist monks, to hear first-hand accounts of Judson’s legacy. Our purpose is to create a record for posterity of the providences of God in the land of Burma; to tell a story for our children and their children in a way it has never been told before.

At the conclusion of the expedition, the team will produce resources compiling the results of their work for the Christian community.  There is a cost to proclaiming the truth — the cost of criticism and the sacrifice of time and resources spent to research, formulate, and present the power of the gospel coherently. In recognition of the momentous nature of the task we have undertaken, we would welcome your financial support.

The Hazardous Journeys Society is a project of Vision Forum Ministries, a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization so all gifts are tax-deductible. Donations can be made through the Vision Forum Ministries website for our Burma Expeditions by follow the link below.

Thank you for your support of this project.

Benjamin and Charlie Lenz

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Heritage around the table...

An abundance of food has passed through the house in the last few days along with a large company of extended relatives.

Daddy's father, Charles Lenz, passed away before any of us six Lenz children were born, so we relish any opportunity to hear about him.

His brother, Uncle John, along with around fifty cousins and aunts and uncles, came here for a family reunion on Saturday.  

The food gathered together for the day was plentiful and, of course, as varied as it was delicious.  The company was even better and stories were told and memories recalled in like abundance.  

I love the way one picture evokes a thousand memories.  Uncle John was asked to identify everyone in this photograph and as soon as he saw it, although he didn't speak all the words, you could see the day come back to him with almost more strength and vividness than yesterday's hours.  Our Grandpa Charlie was the youngest in the family...that little guy with his dog Pal in the middle.  The day the picture was taken, their mother rounded them up for hair cuts out on the drive (three of these were cousins, so no-one missed out on the fun).  As soon as Uncle John started describing, I was smelling the warm dusty summer air and hearing the laughter and the snip of the scissors...seeing the reflections of loved faces in his eyes.  There was a general burst of delighted laughter as he recalled how the dog Pal taught our Grandpa Charlie how to walk by pulling him around the house by the arm.  The gift of these memories stored up is a precious treasure of history.  For us they are a heritage of rare glimpses of the hand of God reaching into our mundane, human moments to touch them with the divine gift of meaning and continuity.  It was a privilege to read the pages of remembrance and enjoy the fellowship of family camaraderie.

Last Tuesday's meal came again out of the wonderful abundance from our garden.  Stuffed peppers with cole slaw and, yes, more beans!

In the busy rush of preparation for the family gathering, an easy and speedy recipe like this is ideal.

And yes, everything but the cheese on this plate was produced on our farm!

On the Subject of Food...

As summer progresses the supply from our garden only increases thanks to our Creator's abundant providence! We never cease to be amazed at the amount of food on our plates that comes from our own garden or was raised on our farm and produced by our own hands. Daddy regularly asks the question, "Where did this come from?" From our garden, from the woods, from the deer the boys harvested last fall, etc. We are blessed to often see first hand how God feeds His children.
Green beans and zucchini are particularly productive right now.  Mama finds new ways to prepare the latter fruit so we haven't tired of it, yet.

Simply fried in olive oil and seasoned with fresh herbs, tomatoes and pepper this time...

Beef Stroganoff, Green Beans and Cabbage Salad:

Actually, the meat was venison, I believe; it was deliciously tender. The sauce is quite simple... fry about 6 oz. of bacon, brown a few pounds of sliced meat, garlic, onion and salt in the bacon grease, add 3 rounded tablespoons flour, a few tablespoons tomato sauce, a cup of beef broth, a tablespoon or worcestershire sauce, 1/2 teaspoon paprika and simmer a few minutes. Just before serving, add 1 cup of sour cream and a tablespoon of parsley. 

Of course, green beans cooked till just tender with butter and salt are unbeatable, to quote a favorite cook book, and cabbage, carrots and lettuce with sesame oil and rice vinegar add the essential uncooked element.

Mama revived an old family tradition last week, serving the invariable midwest "tuna salad" (updated with mangoes this time :o) ) on a lettuce leaf.  She remembers her grandma insisted serving salads on a lettuce leaf as part of the dinner presentation on the family farm in Nebraska. 

Em and I were inspired by a picture on the front of King Arthur's Baker's Catalogue. As an aside, checking the mail when you're hungry is generally a torturous ordeal at our house and not recommended... :o) We compiled our own version of Turkey Avocado Strawberry Sandwiches, fruit and salsa for a picnic.  The zesty, lemon dressing on the sandwiches added a lively tang to the turkey and avocado while the strawberries and spinach were sweetness and crunch, respectively.

And now for tradition's sake, we'll finish with the last course; desert!

On a typical summer's night the Lenz family can usually be found outdoors finishing projects till well after dark. After a particularly long day, we will occasionally (not so often it becomes common which is the essential secret to preserving the value of any delicacy) treat ourselves to this most rare and wonderful of all foods, chocolate.

Of course, it must be prepared properly... melted in butter and and brown sugar and whisked in thick, fresh cream, with a small optional float of ice cream for glorious contrast.

The Tuesday Kitchen...

Our family has been away from home two weekends in a row; re-enacting the War Between the States...and cooking over an open fire.  Culinary endeavors of this kind are unique adventures for the palate...we dine on historical American food staples flavored with fresh air and more than a little camp-fire smoke.  One "period-correct" viand that invariably meets the hearty approval of the whole camp (especially after a battle in the heat) is watermelon.

In between sojourns into the 1860s, I managed to cook some old favorites while touching them with new flare that freshened the sameness.

Daddy came in one afternoon with a bag of peaches and requested a peach pie.  I couldn't resist his confidence in our ability to master one of his favorites, or the opportunity to try a new addition.

I made Grandma's enigmatical, yet unrivaled crust recipe, but used our lard for the shortening this time.

Peach MANGO Pie turned out to be a grand success.  It was a bit sweet, so I will be cutting back on the sugar even more than I usually do, but the overall result was delicious.

Another standby around here is of course chicken.  Inventing new ways to dress it up is always inspiring, but if time is an especially precious commodity, the crock-pot is a good resort.  

I used a marinade from a Grilled Island Chicken recipe as a kind of rub and ran the same ingredients/flavors over into the steamed fresh green beans.

 Since I couldn't bring myself to make our Zucchini hot dish yet again with that tenacious and ever-abundant vegetable, I tried a new zucchini dish (again from Mel's Kitchen Cafe...love that blog!) Cheesy Zucchini Rice.  It was a hit as far as the family was concerned, although I discovered that it does not improve upon acquaintance after a trip to the fridge and reheating, so don't make enough for leftovers.  The secret is that, while the rice is hot enough to melt the cheese, the zucchini is fresh and uncooked, yielding a varying and exciting texture.

Crisp salad is a good start to any meal, and my favorite summer foods are avocado and cilantro, so into the fresh lettuce they go and dinner is served!

The Tuesday Kitchen (A week late)

In spite of the fact that my blogging end of the new endeavor is...less than consistent, the actual meal-makeing is advancing rapidly towards the habitual stage, albeit not yet with the degree of excellence I aspire to.

Last week's family time around the table was augmented on Tuesday night with family friends.

Lessons learned? Lessons I heard before, but was obliged to learn the hard way nevertheless.  Don't get me wrong; the company was of the best kind and the fellowship blessed, and that makes all the difference.





I simply didn't maintain the stress-free environment I could wish to.  In this case, more preparation time was required...as we learned from Chef Francis Foucachon at the Food Conference.

The food itself, I am told, left little wanting.  This was largely due to the fact that I "cheated" by having Daddy do the grilling (another genius suggestion from Chef Foucachon), and of course everyone else helping get the other food on the table.
The finished product?










Grilled Caprese Chicken with Salad (again the lime cilantro dressing served us well) and Zucchini "hotdish" and green beens again as sides (they are in season!).

Our homemade whole wheat bread rounded off the meal and Blueberry Fool (which was consumed so promptly that it escaped the camera) sweetened our palates as dessert.  I made a double recipe and decided that I will make more of the cream mixture and less blueberry next time.

From the Lenz Family Kitchen...

Our family is glad to be home after a week-long trip to San Antonio, Texas for Vision Forum's Reformation of Food and Family Conference.  The event was wonderful on so many levels, and I think all the Lenz's came home stuffed with "food for thought."  One of my intentions following the lessons learned there is to post weekly food creations I contribute to the family diet.  The primary purpose will be to keep a record of successes, failures, discoveries and old favorites.

Many friends and customers have asked our family to explain the method we have for maintaining a healthy diet.  In some ways, we are not the best people to ask because we are spoiled.

Living on a farm means the fresh clean ingredients for any meal are literally at our fingertips.  Watching families we know source good food from multiple local farmers while we grow it a short walk from the back door has often forced me to question whether I would be as diligent and consistent about my food sources if I didn't live on a farm run on principles of health and land stewardship.

Ultimately, I believe an attitude of gratefulness for whatever God chooses to give us for food is essential.  At the same time, being purposeful about the food we eat is, as I am learning, an act of obedience and worship to our Creator and should not be taken lightly.

Our method?  The inspiration for most meals comes from whatever is in the garden and freezer.  Meal planning is established around a few seasonal ingredients on a daily or weekly basis.

This week we had cabbage and we were tired of cole slaw.  So I made big salads.  A Six Arrows Farm chicken went into the crock pot Tuesday morning and Daddy brought home a few ingredients we don't grow, like a lime and an avocado.

I tried a new dressing...Creamy BBQ Cilantro Lime from Mel's Kitchen Cafe, a recipe site we love.

Next time I will be adding more lime a bit more pepper than the recipe calls for and cayenne pepper (something we were out of at the time.)  It was very good, even so, and we don't have any leftovers!

An excellent piece of advice from Chef Francis Foucachon at the conference concerning cooking was to be prepared ahead of time for a meal.  This meal was not even planned until noon of the same day.  My "excuse" for being less than prepared was the fact that we arrived home from the Food Conference about 1:30 Tuesday morning.  Things missing, in retrospect, were a little red onion and black beans (I had them and forgot until we were past the first few bites.)  :)

After clean up Tuesday night, I mixed up a batch of a family favorite, baked oatmeal, to have for breakfast Wednesday morning.  I love the recipe because of the make-ahead style.  Because I put it together the night before, I can stumble into the kitchen half-awake and turn the oven on and breakfast is ready about fifty minutes later.  Ingredients in baked oatmeal are also inspired by whatever we have in the house.  Some favorite additions are coconut, raisins, apples, walnuts or almonds, and dried dates.  This time we ate it with delicious Apricot syrup Aubrey canned last fall.

On Ladies of Leisure

A Southern Lady writes on the character of some of her peers

“I see so many dear, sweet little women in the world, who slept their early youth away and eat [sic] sugar plums; who passed through the ordeal of boarding schools, certainly no wiser, perhaps worse than when they entered; who spent the days of their girlhood as they did their money - on useless objects, taking no account of either - who had had fortunes spent on their education, and were yet in the most heavenly state of ignorance, with out on developed talent or idea except that of dancing la valse a` deux temps; women who lounge through life, between the sofa and rocking chair with dear little dimpled hands that are never raised except to brush away a fly, who never think of touching anything more solid than a yellow covered novel - many such I see, who are loved and adored by the world, much more than I, who so unworthily judge them; for who on earth, except those at home, and my few friends, ever cared for me?”

“...Leave it to my own doom to decide what becomes of souls who neither do their duty to God, nor serve man on earth!

“...Ah! Who is perfect on earth? Not I, certainly!  But if God would only look in my heart and make and pronounce it good and pure, what would I care what Man thinks of me then?  I can dispense with the love of the world so long as I have our home hearts around me; but if I pleased God in all things, I wonder if the world would love me too?  Can anyone please both Him and man?”
~ Sarah Morgan - from The Civil War Diary of a Southern Woman

Amiability...

"I make up my mind to be very good an amiable, and the next minute let anyone, big or little, child or servant say any thing crass or disagreeable, and my spirits ooze out, until my only safety lies in flight, and if I want to regain my equanimity of temper I have to run away and sing Dixie, or Keep your Ark a-moving, before I make another sortie...
"...considering how much the happiness of those around us depends on our loving words, and kind feelings towards them, how whole days may be made miserable by one cross word or thoughtless deed, how a dozen merry faces can be clouded by one ill tempered or anger one - considering how we are responsible to God for every evil influence which may cause other to sin, cultivate amiability, Sarah, as you would the rarest talent bestowed on you prize it above all things...
"If ill humor must have a vent, make faces at your looking glass; but when you enter the family circle, do as our dear father did; throw all care and annoyance to the winds, have a pleasant word for all, for you enter the Holy of Holies - Home - the least and lowest can add a new pleasure, or a new disturbance, the duty of contributing to the common happiness is encumbent on all. Let the home circle be the place for the exchange of pleasant thoughts, let all disagreeable ones be put away.  Ours was a happy home; father’s example should influence his children.  O Sarah my dear! if you are ever inflicted with a large and interesting family - which Kind Heaven forbid! - teach them to cultivate amiability as the only safeguard of happiness.  Teach it, preach it, incessantly.  Yes! and by the time my “interesting family” is brought up in the way it should go, I will not have the amiability enough myself to make a respectable appearance! So much for theory without practice!"
~Sarah Morgan - from The Civil War Diary of a Southern Woman

In response to our preceding post on reenacting, the following comment was offered.  We decided to answer in another post because we felt a clarifying response may serve to make our previous article more lucid as well:

Douglas John says:

"Were not the "Bluestockings" simply what were considered to be intellegent or advanced women? How did the connotation arrive that a bluestocking or intellectual woman of the 18th century was a feminist. The picture you paint of the genteel Christian southern woman is very nice however quite romanticized. The unfortunate exploits of women of the south during the War of the States have not truly been recorded in places where the public can become familiar with them. Much of the published literature about women in the 19th century focused on prescriptions for proper female behavior, expressing social norms formulated largely by men. Their writings described the ideal female, emphasizing the passivity of her Christian nature and her domestic attributes, and focused on middle-and upper-class urban women. The ACTUAL experiences of women who were forced (by blockade or otherwise) by circumstances to earn their own way or own living, of common women, of immigrant women, and of black women bore no relation to those established norms. Scrubbing pots near an open fire with a white apron and white bodice would be indicitive of an upper class woman pretending to be a common woman. While the intent of what you are saying is to be a soft portrayal of dependency and true womanhood, an honest living historian would realize that there were not a lot of menfolk Christian or otherwise in the South to depend upon and lead them. The picture is painted quite prettily but the reality is that the women who sacraficed were not at all able to compare to those you have relayed in your information."

Our response:

Douglas John, 

Thank you for taking the time to comment. We appreciate your thoughts on the subject. The connotations associated with “Bluestockings” are broad but the most commonly accepted is that of a feminist who is uneducated and intellectually negligent. Feminists were “advanced”... we believe in the wrong direction. It is true that the general attitude towards Victorian women in their time was often in need of reform due to the influence of Enlightenment philosophies declaring men to be reasonable and women to be purely emotional and unreasonable. Unfortunately, the men and women who were most influential in the feminist movement, in an attempt to rectify enlightenment errors, only made matters worse through continued disregard for the Word of God. Instead of establishing women and men as joint heirs of the grace of God, content in the complimentary roles preordained for them by God, they encouraged discontent, strident rebellion and independent autonomy among women taught to believe themselves ill-used victims under a Judeo-Christian paradigm. This brought about not mutual respect and honor between men and women but furthered destructive degradation of the “weaker sex” mirroring some of the most uncivilized and pagan societies in history.
Regarding romanticizing Christian Southern women; permit us to recommend a few resources for your further research. South Carolina Women of the Confederacy by Mrs. A. T. Smythe, The Women of the Confederacy by J.L. Underwood and The Women of the South in War Times by Matthew P. Andrews are source books recording ACTUAL women and their actions, not behavioral prescriptions. Dabney’s Life and Campaigns of Stonewall Jackson, Christ in the Camp by J. William Jones, and Beloved Bride - The Letters of Stonewall Jackson to His Wife, by Bill Potter are also excellent resources for understanding the Christian men and women of the time, describing what they actually thought and acted.
There is also extensive research on excellent women such as Mrs. Lee, Mrs. Jackson, Mrs. Stuart and other virtuous and thoroughly intelligent, influential women. Our article often directly reflects the perspectives we gleaned from journals concerning the character and convictions of these women. In the direct sources and biographies of the women we seek to emulate there is no trace of passivity. Their Christian character is ardent and unaffected; the phrases in their letters pattern after phrases in Scripture implying their thorough familiarity with it, bolstering their men with confidence in their righteous cause, assuring them of their support from home. They recognize the tremendous impact of domestic dependability and efficiency and delight in serving in this way.
Perhaps the low-class, common, uneducated women were numerically dominant. We honestly have not researched numeric denominations thoroughly as yet because it is not a crucial factor for us right now. Mrs. Dawn Eggers captured the intent of our article in her responding comment well. We are not primarily interested in portraying the “51% majority,” whether or not they are righteous. In other words, our primary concern IS portraying the righteous minority, however minute in numbers.
Concerning muslin Garibaldi blouses and Osnaburg aprons, both are visually documented among working women throughout the 1860’s. You may be interested in researching sources other than CDV’s where women appeared in their best matching bodice and skirt with starched white collar in anticipation of being formally photographed.
Lastly, we would like to say a word in defense of Southern men. We believe they together constituted one of the last significant Christian civil governments in latter times. Their eventual dissolution and loss of impetus was simply God’s judgement on a nation which persists in rebellion and seeks not the Law of God.  Jefferson Davis, Thomas Jackson, Robert E. Lee, and other Southern men were some of the most remarkable leaders in history comparable to George Washington, Monroe, Admiral Coligny, Joshua Son of Nun, William of Orange, James Polk, and Napoleon Bonaparte (militarily). Their wives testify to their greatness and honor through their unmitigated, informed devotion and unfaltering loyalty.
A little more research may reveal that our short paraphrase was merely scratching the surface of a most beautiful deeply, characteristically Christian culture, the remnants of God’s special grace in the foundations of our nation. Alexis De Tocqueville (a French lawyer and historian analyzing American culture) paints a far prettier picture in his remarkably insightful work, Democracy in America, written in the 1830‘s, wherein he describes how the very topography of America was conducive to productivity and dominion. He also outlines the vastly different ethics in North and South and predicts their incompatibility. Interestingly, he notes, “I have no hesitation in saying that although the American woman never leaves her domestic sphere and is in some respects very dependent within it, nowhere does she enjoy a higher station. And if anyone asks me what I think the chief cause of the extraordinary prosperity and growing power of this nation, I should answer that it is due to the superiority of their women.”
Humbly in the service of our King,

Emily and Aubrey Lenz